So once again I am coming back from a hiatus in my own personal health movement.
I am going back and forth between being with my boyfriend of 3 years and not knowing if I should be with someone when I don't even love myself to begin with. So we are on a break, again. This is probably the third or fourth break we have taken, the last one was about 8 months long. We grew a bit, but we didn't face the reality of our relationship. Now I am doing that. I need to seek out counseling for my past issues which plague me today. My boyfriend messaged many of my friends and family after I had a nervous break down and declared to him my desire to kill myself. Of course I would never act on these thoughts.. and even my friend and family that he told, told him that. I was pretty embarrassed because I have never really told some of the people he told. People that I work with. -_- I am glad in a way though, because maybe now they will know the everyday struggle that I am battling.
Soapbox aside, I am counting calories, using myfitnesspal again and slowly working out. Can't go hard and can't expect myself to be perfect overnight. I am going back to an old inspiration that I used a couple years ago, the Taralynn girl from undressed skeleton. (http://undressedskeleton.tumblr.com/) She lost 100 pounds in a year and I am looking at her old menus that she erased. They were pretty low-calorie (1000/1200 range) but she claimed she would add more calories in throughout the day, the 1000 range was for cushion room, or caloric slip ups.
Based on MFP to start losing 2lbs/week I should be eating 1,290k calories a day. To me that's damn low, considering I'm a binge eater. My stomach was sending my brain desperate FEED ME NOW DAMMIT signals all day long. I caved a bit, had birthday cake..but worked out still :) Oh, and I am eating back most of my workout calories so I don't go into starvation mode.
Net calories today: 1,360
